The Gift of Curiosity, the Art of Attention

The Gift of Curiosity, The Art of Attention

Friendship and Hospitality: Session 4

 

Attention is a moral act: it creates, brings aspects of things into being. – Iain McGilchrist

 

Seeing with Your Ears

 

The imago Dei gives us a framework for relationship with one another.

  • Our God speaks, our God listens. This is how we come to know Him. We primarily see God through listening.
  • We speak, we listen. This is how we come to know each other. We do not really see each other until we know how to listen to each other, how to speak.

 

The Bible Commends Listening Before Speaking

 

Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak. – James 1:19

 

Why should you be quick to listen and slow to speak? Proverbs gives us some help:

 

People who rush to speak without first listening are fools.

  • Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him. – Prov 29:20
  • A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion. – Prov 18:2
  • If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame. – Prov 18:12

 

People are complicated.

  • The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out. – Prov 20:5
  • The words of a man’s mouth are deep waters; the fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook. – Prov 18:4

 

Words have significant impact

  • There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. – Prov 12:18
  • Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits. -Prov 18:21

 

Therefore, we need to be good listeners, and good questioners.

 

“It’s said that when Jennie Jerome, the mother of Winston Churchill, was young she dined with the British statesman William Gladstone and left thinking he was the cleverest person in England. Later she dined with Gladstone’s great rival, Benjamin Disraeli, and left the dinner thinking she was the cleverest person in England. It’s nice to be like Gladstone, but it’s better to be like Disraeli.” – David Brooks

 

The Gift of Curiosity

 

Give others the gift of your curiosity with a posture that reflects the humility of Christ:

  • Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus. – Phil 2:3-5
  • Jesus asks 307 questions in all four gospels. He is only asked 183 questions.
  • Asking other people questions makes them feel seen, honored, ennobled, human: I want to know what you think about this. We see ourselves more clearly when we are seen by others.
  • “In every crowd there are Diminishers and there are Illuminators. Diminishers make people feel small and unseen. They see other people as things to be used, not as persons to be befriended…Illuminators, on the other hand, have a persistent curiosity about other people…They shine the brightness of their care on people and make them feel bigger, deeper, respected, lit up.” – David Brooks

Curiosity in Small Talk

  • That’s a cool name—how’d your parents choose that? Are you from around here? If not, where did you grow up? Do you miss it? What’s the biggest difference between there and here? Are you hoping to stay here long term?
  • If so, where’d you go to school? What year did you graduate? Did you enjoy high school? What do you think has changed most since then?
  • Simplest categories to think of for small talk:
    • Location—where are you from?
    • Education—where did you go to school?
    • Work—what do you do?
    • Family—marriage, kids?
    • Hobbies—what do you do for fun?
    • Church—what’s your experience with church?

 

Curiosity in Medium Talk

  • In deeper relationships, we can come along, side by side, and think through something together with the aim of growing in our understanding together.
  • What’s wrong? What does this person think is wrong?
    • With the newest movie that just came out; wrong with the economy; wrong with the newest regulations the MLB just passed; wrong with politics today, etc.
  • What’s right? What is this person pleased with?
    • What’s something that is awesome right now? What’s working really well? What are you proudest of? What’s one thing people have told you you are really good at? What comes easy to you that doesn’t to others? What was most helpful to you in that sermon?

 

Curiosity in Big Talk

  • Not side-to-side conversations, but face-to-face
  • What’s wrong?
    • What feels most discouraging to you right now? If Satan were to launch an attack on you, where would he focus his firepower? What would Satan love for you to do next? What about the Christian life feels most difficult to you right now? What is the hardest area of your life to be honest about? What about the gospel doesn’t feel true right now?
  • What’s right?
    • What are you praising God for right now? If I could sit down with you one year from now, where would you like to see yourself grow? What has God been teaching you lately? What has been most encouraging to you in your Bible reading and prayer life lately?

 

The power of: “I want to hear you / your take / what you think / how you are doing” = you matter.

 

The Art of Attention

(Adapted from David Brooks, How to Know a Person, pgs. 74-93)

 

  1. Treat attention as an on/off switch, not a dimmer.
    1. The SLANT method: sit up, lean forward, ask questions, nod your head, track the speaker. Listen with your eyes.
  2. Be a loud listener.
    1. Ooo, aaah, yes…uh-huh…totally…wow.
    2. Also, share your own experiences—people don’t want to feel like they are being interrogated.
  3. Favor familiarity.
    1. People love to talk about what they know.
    2. “What TV shows are you watching?...How is your kid doing with soccer?”
  4. Make them authors, not witnesses.
    1. Ask specific questions: “What was the look on your face when they said that? Did everyone hear it?”
    2. Then ask how they experienced what happened: “What were you thinking after that? Were you freaking out? Was your first thought…?”
    3. Then, ask how they are experiencing now what they experienced then: “What do you think about what they said now? Are you going to say something to them?”
  5. Really listen, don’t just wait to respond.
    1. Once you start formulating your response to the person, you stop listening carefully.
    2. Feel free to say, “Hang on, let me think for a second.”
  6. Do the looping.
    1. Repeat what someone just said in order to make sure you accurately received what they were trying to project.
    2. “My mother can be a real piece of work.” …what does someone mean by that?
    3. You respond with: “You mean you’re pretty angry with your mom?”
    4. You re-formulate what they just said to make sure that you are understanding them rightly before you respond.
  7. Find common ground in disagreement.
    1. What is the shared truth under the disagreement? “We may disagree about the best way to do X, but we both agree that X must be taken care of.”
    2. Find the disagreement under the disagreement. Why do you have different assumptions about schooling options, gun regulations, etc. What are the moral or philosophical roots and experiences that have led you two to diverge?