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How to Win Friends and Influence People (Sort Of)
Friendship and Hospitality: Session 3
I have no duty to be anyone’s Friend and no man in the world has a duty to be mine. No claims, no shadow of necessity. Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art, like the universe itself (for God did not need to create). It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival. – C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
I’ve come to believe that the quality of our lives and the health of our society depends, to a large degree, on how well we treat each other in the minute interactions of life. – David Brooks, How to Know a Person
We’re Not Very Good at Making (and Keeping) Friends
“Being open-hearted is a prerequisite for being a full, kind, and wise human being. But it is not enough. People need social skills. We talk about the importance of “relationships,” “community,” “friendship,” “social connection,” but these words are too abstract. The real act of, say, building a friendship or creating a community involves performing a series of small, concrete social actions well: disagreeing without poisoning the relationship; revealing vulnerability at the appropriate pace; being a good listener; knowing how to end a conversation gracefully; knowing how to ask for and offer forgiveness; knowing how to let someone down without breaking their heart; knowing how to sit with someone who is suffering; knowing how to host a gathering where everyone feels embraced; knowing how to see things from another’s point of view.” – David Brooks, How to Know a Person, p. 7-8.
A Posture of Friendship
Be Realistic
- You cannot be best friends with everyone. “A friend to all is a friend to none.”
- The gift of companionship.
- Acquaintances are nothing to be ashamed of.
- “Many people when they speak of their “friends” mean only their companions. But it is not Friendship in the sense I give to the word. By saying this I do not at all intend to disparage [companions]. We do not disparage silver by distinguishing it from gold.” – Lewis, The Four Loves
- Acquaintances are the groundwork of Friendship.
- “Friendship arises out of mere Companionship when two or more of the companions discover that they have in common some insight or interest or even taste which the others do not share and which, till that moment, each believed to be his own unique treasure (or burden). The typical expression of opening Friendship would be something like, “What? You too? I thought I was the only one.” – Lewis, The Four Loves
- Distinguish between being friendly to all and Friends to some.
- Acquaintances are nothing to be ashamed of.
Be Intentional
- “I have friends already.”
- Cultivate and steward your friendships—elevate your friendships in your priority list. You make time and spend money on what matters.
- Myth: I am too busy for friends.
- You may be too busy for friends…but should you be?
- “This will often involve sacrifice. We will have to say no to other good things in order to say yes to our friends.” – Drew Hunter, Made for Friendship
- “We have few friendships, because we are not willing to pay the price of friendship…The secret of friendship is just the secret of all spiritual blessing. The way to get is to give.” – Hugh Black, The Art of Being a Good Friend
- “I don’t have friends.”
- Look around at who the Lord has placed in your life and be intentional.
- Myth: I am not a people person…I don’t need friends.
- You are made in the image of the triune God. You are made for friends.
- You may just need to work more than you thought.
Be About Something
- “Those…who simply “want friends” can never make any. The very condition of having Friends is that we should want something else besides Friends. Where the truthful answer to the question Do you see the same truth? Would be “I see nothing and I don’t care about the truth; I only want a Friend,” no Friendship can arise…There would be nothing for the Friendship to be about; and Friendship must be about something, even if it were only an enthusiasm for dominoes or white mice. Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow-travelers.” – Lewis, The Four Loves
- What are you about?
- What every Christian is about: Christ above all. We all see the “same truth” in Christ.
- What’s your thing?
- Video games; Rock climbing; TV show; Running; WWII history; Gardening; Fishing; Sourdough; Philosophy; Basketball; Hiking; Reading; Boardgames, etc.
- “You will not find the warrior, the poet, the philosopher or the Christian by staring in his eyes as if he were your mistress: better fight beside him, read with him, argue with him, pray with him.” – Lewis, The Four Loves
Be Mindful
- Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.” – 1 Cor 15:33
- Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm. – Prov 13:20
- Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare. – Prov 22:24-25
- “You are 75 percent more likely to become divorced if your friend is divorced and still 33 percent more likely to see your marriage end if a friend of a friend is divorced.” – Brad Wilcox, Get Married
- What are you looking for?
- “Let those be your choicest companions who have made Christ their chief companion.” – Thomas Brooks, Smooth Stones
- Friendship relies on mutual affection, connection. You cannot be friends with someone that you do not enjoy or does not enjoy you. But we should also consider what effect this person’s friendship will have on us: does this person draw me closer, or pull me away from Christ?
Be Generous
- Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. – Rom 12:10
- All relationships are built on a surrender of autonomy. The person unwilling to yield to the preferences of another will die alone.
- Be willing to try new things for the sake of a friend. Enjoy your friend through what they enjoy.
- Be generous with your resources—time, money, energy—to communicate to others that they matter to you.
- Be generous with encouragement and affirmation.
Be Present
- Show up!
Be Playful
- “In the midst of play, people relax, become themselves, and connect without even trying. Laughter is not just what comes after jokes. Laughter happens when our minds come together and something unexpected happens: We feel the ping of common recognition. We laugh to celebrate our shared understating. We see each other.” – David Brooks, How to Know a Person
- “Laughter has something in it in common with the ancient winds of faith and inspiration. It unfreezes pride and unwinds secrecy; it makes men forget themselves in the presence of something greater than themselves.” – G.K. Chesterton, Laughter
Be Grateful
- “We think we have chosen our peers. In reality, a few years’ difference in the dates of our birth, a few more miles between certain houses, the choice of one university instead of another, posting to different regiments, the accident of a topic being raised or not raised at a first meeting—any of these chances might have kept us apart. But, for a Christian, there are, strictly speaking, no chances. A secret Master of the Ceremonies has been at work. Christ, who said to the disciples, “Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you,” can truly say to every group of Christian friends “You have not chosen one another but I have chosen you for one another.” – Lewis, The Four Loves
- Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel. – Shakespeare