Sermon Discussion Questions:
1. What stood out to you from the sermon?
2. What are ways you are using your status as a married person to make singles feel welcomed and loved in the church? What are ways you are using your status as a single person to make married couples feel welcomed and loved in the church?
3. How can our church grow in practically living like a family together?
4. What benefits does a single person have in living for Christ that a married person does not? What benefit does a married person have that a single does not?
5. What would you say to someone who tried to argue that sexual activity (of any kind) outside of marriage isn't wrong for Christians?
Paige Benton, in an article titled, “Singled Out by God for Good,” opens with this:
“Had I any vague premonition of my present plight when I was six, I would have demanded that Stephen Herbison (incontestably the catch of the second grade) put his marriage proposal into writing and have it notarized. I do want this piece to be practical, so to all you first-graders: CARPE DIEM.”
“Can God be any less good to me on the average Tuesday morning than he was on that monumental Friday afternoon when he hung on a cross in my place? The answer is a resounding NO. God will not be less good to me tomorrow either, because God cannot be less good to me. His goodness is not the effect of his disposition but the essence of his person—not an attitude but an attribute.
I long to be married. My younger sister got married two months ago. She now has an adoring husband, a beautiful home, a whirlpool bathtub, and all-new Corningware. Is God being any less good to me than he is to her? The answer is a resounding NO. God will not be less good to me because God cannot be less good to me. It is a cosmic impossibility for God to shortchange any of his children.”
In our section of 1 Corinthians today we will be looking at Paul’s teaching singleness and marriage:
32 I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. 33 But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, 34 and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. 35 I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.
36 If anyone thinks that he is not behaving properly toward his betrothed, if his passions are strong, and it has to be, let him do as he wishes: let them marry—it is no sin. 37 But whoever is firmly established in his heart, being under no necessity but having his desire under control, and has determined this in his heart, to keep her as his betrothed, he will do well. 38 So then he who marries his betrothed does well, and he who refrains from marriage will do even better.
39 A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord. 40 Yet in my judgment she is happier if she remains as she is. And I think that I too have the Spirit of God.
- 1 Cor 7:32-40
The Freedom of Singleness
What does Paul want? He wants us to be free from anxieties. Free from cares, from worries, from stress—the Bible tells us that we should be anxious about nothing, right? …so, naturally, he encourages you to not get married. To be married is to be anxious. The Bible tells you to not be anxious, so you should avoid marriage.
Is that right?
32 I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, 34 and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. 35 I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord. (1 Cor 7:32-35)
Strange: Paul says he wants you to be free from anxieties, but then says that the “unmarried man is anxiousabout the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord.” Maybe “concern” might be serve as a better word than anxiety here, since we only understand that word negatively.
The word for “anxiety” here literally means to be in pieces. The word is helpfully illustrated in the gospel of Luke: “38 Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. 39 And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. 40 But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” 41 But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, 42 but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.” (Luke 10:38-42)
Martha is in pieces because she is distracted with much serving. Her attention and focus is scattered across many things, but one thing is necessary. Only one thing. That is what Paul is wanting to preserve: singular devotion to the Lord. If you are married, there will be a large slice of your emotional and mental space that will be devoted to your family. You will need to provide for and care for children, you will need to consider how to be serving and understanding your spouse well. There may be opportunities to serve the Lord that you will have to say “No” to because they are too difficult or dangerous or time-consuming to do with a family. But if you are single, like Paul was, then you have a freedom to pursue a life of singular focus. Christianity is a missionary religion—it is not intended to serve as a garnish on the full-plate of your life. It is intended to be an all-consuming reorientation of every priority we have. We sift all our desires and plans and opportunities first and foremost through the grid of: What would serve Christ best?
Is marriage unspiritual?
Does that mean that marriage is second-rate form of living in the Christian life? No—the same man who wrote this section also wrote the exalted description of marriage in Ephesians 5. In fact, when we read the whole of the Bible we can say that marriage is the encouraged norm for most. The book of Proverbs tells us, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD,” (Prov 18:22). Further, the purpose of marriage isn’t fundamentally different than the purpose of singleness: both are given to us as a means by which we are conformed to Christ, grow in our sanctification.
Remember, that Paul earlier describes singleness as a “gift,” (charisma). And later in chapter twelve of this letter, Paul explains that God bestows a variety of “gifts” (charismata) on the church, but it is all for the same purpose of building one another up. And then Paul goes to lengths to describe the variety of different gifts isn’t to create divisions in the church of who is more important—all are needed. Paul’s language in chapter seven is careful to highlight the freedom one has in being single, while also showing that marriage is also a path one can take while still pleasing the Lord.
Yet, Paul does tell us that “he who marries his betrothed does well, and he who refrains from marriage will do even better,” (1 Cor 7:38). That shows us that this isn’t a choice between right and wrong, this is a choice between good and better. Jesus Himself taught with this same cautioned encouragement towards singleness:
“Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. 12 For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it.” (Matt 19:11-12)
A “eunuch” is someone who cannot reproduce. We don’t need to take Jesus’ statement of individuals making themselves eunuchs here to refer to physical mutilation anymore than we should when he encourages us to rip our eyes out if they cause us to sin. Jesus is hyperbolically speaking in radical terms to get our attention.
How can singleness be a blessing?
One of the predominant themes throughout the Bible is of marriage and children. The Bible opens with a marriage, and we are promised in the opening chapters that it will be through the birth of a child that Satan will be defeated (Gen 3:15). When an individual is incapable of bearing children in the Old Testament, it is experienced as a curse and terrible suffering. The miracle of the Lord overcoming a barren womb is what repeatedly moves the plot of the Bible forward at critical junctures. Marriage and children are the assumed norm. In fact, it is through physical birth that the covenant family of God grows into the nation of Israel. Doesn’t God promise Abraham that he will have so many descendants that they will be as innumerable as the stars in the sky or sand on the sea? If barrenness is seen as a curse, then how much more so would singleness be? And yet, listen to how the prophet Isaiah speaks of the barren and eunuchs:
3 Let not the foreigner who has joined himself to the LORD say,
“The LORD will surely separate me from his people”;
and let not the eunuch say,
“Behold, I am a dry tree.”
4 For thus says the LORD:
“To the eunuchs who keep my Sabbaths,
who choose the things that please me
and hold fast my covenant,
5 I will give in my house and within my walls
a monument and a name
better than sons and daughters;
I will give them an everlasting name
that shall not be cut off.
- Isa 56:3-5
Sing, O barren one, who did not bear;
break forth into singing and cry aloud,
you who have not been in labor!
For the children of the desolate one will be more
than the children of her who is married,” says the LORD.
2 “Enlarge the place of your tent,
and let the curtains of your habitations be stretched out;
do not hold back; lengthen your cords
and strengthen your stakes.
3 For you will spread abroad to the right and to the left,
and your offspring will possess the nations
and will people the desolate cities.
- Isa 54:1-3
How can eunuchs receive something better than sons and daughters? How can the barren, unmarried woman somehow have more children than the married—so much so that she will need a bigger tent to contain them all? The grounding for these is found in the foundational promise of Isaiah 53, the suffering Messiah who bears our sins and iniquities.
Yet it was the will of the LORD to crush him;
he has put him to grief;
when his soul makes an offering for guilt,
he shall see his offspring; he shall prolong his days;
the will of the LORD shall prosper in his hand.
- Isa 53:10
Isaiah 53 is describing the atoning work of Jesus Christ on the cross for the sins of God’s people. Jesus was never married, never had any children, yet here we are told that He will have offspring. Who is that? The answer is in the next verse:
Out of the anguish of his soul he shall see and be satisfied;
by his knowledge shall the righteous one, my servant,
make many to be accounted righteous,
and he shall bear their iniquities.
- Isa 53:11
It is those who are counted righteous through His work. The offspring that Jesus creates are not born through physical birth, but through the new birth of faith in the son of God (John 3:3). Under the Old Covenant, you were made a part of the covenant family of God through physical birth, you were of genetic lineage to Abraham. But now, under the New Covenant, the family of God does not grow by physical birth, but through spiritual birth (John 1:12-13). This is why Paul explains to the Galatians, “Know then that it is those of faith who are the sons of Abraham,” (Gal 3:7). To be put your faith in Jesus Christ means that you are adopted into the family of God. All throughout the New Testament, the Church is described as a family. Jesus repeatedly taught that His family was formed not out of birth and lineage, but out of obedience to His teachings (Matt 12:48-49). Paul, a single man, back in chapter four described like this: “I became your father in Christ Jesus through the gospel,” (1 Cor 4:15).
This is why the barren and eunuch, the childless, the single person in Christ can have more children than the married. Jesus taught:
“Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands, for my sake and for the gospel, 30 who will not receive a hundredfold now in this time, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions, and in the age to come eternal life.” (Mark 10:29-30)
This is how singleness in Christ isn’t a life of relational deprivation. The family unit of husband-wife-children is temporary. In heaven, marriage will not exist. But the family of God, the Church will last forever. So the single person who never marries can be a father, a mother, a brother, a sister, a daughter, a son, a grandparent—all with fellow members of the Church.
For Paul to encourage individuals to remain single, for widows to consider not remarrying, was a radical idea and shows us just how interwoven and interdependent the relationships in the church were. The church This is instructive for us: married or unmarried, children or childless, we are meant to be a relational and material security for each other.
The Freedom to Marry
There is an interesting tension Paul is riding throughout this section and the whole of this chapter: he wants you to consider following his model of lifelong celibacy, but he doesn’t want to discourage Christians from taking the typical path that most will follow in marriage.
Should I get married?
37 But whoever is firmly established in his heart, being under no necessity but having his desire under control, and has determined this in his heart, to keep her as his betrothed, he will do well. 38 So then he who marries his betrothed does well, and he who refrains from marriage will do even better. (1 Cor 7:37-38).
- Are you fully settled in your mind that you do not need to be married?
- Is your desire under control?
36 If anyone thinks that he is not behaving properly toward his betrothed, if his passions are strong, and it has to be, let him do as he wishes: let them marry—it is no sin. (1 Cor 7:36)
Earlier, after carefully encouraging the Corinthians to consider his path of singleness, he qualifies his encouragement with this, “But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion,” (1 Cor 7:9). He returns to this similar advice by addressing a couple who are betrothed. Betrothal is somewhat similar to our modern concept of engagement, except your parents likely arranged the pairing and there wasn’t a dating period. You would be betrothed to one another for a period of time, before the marriage was consummated. Now, Paul is imagining a young couple who have been betrothed who are considering ending the engagement to pursue a life of singular devotion. But what happens if, Paul imagines, the young man begins to “behave improperly” towards his betrothed? What if he is finding within himself strong passions that are compelling him towards her?
Paul says, “Let them marry—it is no sin.” Like Paul said earlier, it is better to marry than to burn with passion. This clearly teaches that the only outlet for sexual desire is in marriage. Any sexual act, even if it is not intercourse, done outside of marriage is sin. I don’t think that this means that any dating relationship that has become sexual means the couple should immediately get married. It might mean the relationship needs to end. This is where wise counsel should be sought by others in the church. The point is that you cannot remain in limbo, inflaming temptation, committing sexual sin, while waffling about whether you get married or not.
But if there is a person in your life you feel passionate about, what should you be looking for in a potential spouse? Later, Paul tells the Corinthians, “39 A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord,” (1 Cor 7:39).
The widow is free to marry “whom she wises, only in the Lord.” That is, of her prospective spouses, she must look for those who share her faith, who are also in Jesus Christ. Christians are commanded to only marry other Christians. If the purpose of dating is to find a spouse, then single Christians should only date other Christians.
Questions for Considering a Potential Spouse:
- Does this person share the same faith with me? Do we agree on the most important theological truths? Could we worship together at the same church without either of us having to fight the other to go?
- Will this person encourage me in my faith or pull me farther away? Have I had to compromise my convictions to keep this relationship going? Am I now keeping secrets or telling lies?
- Am I comprehensively attracted to this person? Is what I am attracted to something that will matter in fifty years? Not only their body or their money, but their mind, their soul, their virtue. Do we share similar interests, hobbies, humor, passions, callings? Don’t marry someone because of beauty or career success alone.
- Does my church, my family, my friends support this relationship? Are they encouraging it to continue on? Do I feel free to be open about my relationship with others, or do I feel like I have to hide parts of it? This is especially important if you are using dating apps—move slow and with lots of input with people who know you well.
- Am I content with this potential spouse’s spiritual trajectory? Are they growing in their love of the Lord and repentance? Do I see the fruit of the Spirit in their life? Or am I marrying this person with the hopes that I will change them?
Balancing Contentment and Seeking
How do we balance being content with the gift of singleness while also being open to the possibility of a future relationship?
- Realize that you are exactly where God’s goodness has placed you.
“I am not single because I am too spiritually unstable to possibly deserve a husband, nor because I am too spiritually mature to possibly need one. I am single because God is so abundantly good to me, because this is his best for me."
But I want to be married. I pray to that end every day. I may meet someone and walk down the aisle in the next couple of years because God is so good to me. I may never have another date and die an old maid at 93 because God is so good to me. Not my will but his be done. Until then I am claiming as my theme verse, “If any man would come after me, let him. . . "
- Pursue opportunity appropriately.
There are times where we may desire a relationship, but we shouldn’t. Perhaps because of circumstances in our life, recent tragedy, emotional turmoil, etc. Or it may be because we desire a relationship idolatrously. We are not content, we don’t believe God has been good to us. We don’t believe we have a family in Christ.
